at first your eyes looked away
it seemed like my being found no reason to stay
but i did, at that time, with what's left of me.
then you avoided my kiss
it seemed like my lips found old reasons to miss
wish i didn't
but the truth is, with most of my heart, i did.
right now you're ignoring each touch
it seemed like i could see you think through, while we're in it, a couple of times
'twas actually your end of defining..
when in the past you're so unsupportive of me doing "just" that
even on my last all..

so then i, bit by bit, went my way
sang the shores, while listening for untamed tunes of uncertainties
i really thought i belong there
i was nowhere near your sudden decision
if tides would turn, why now?
i got used to going and wandering alone
and i would unlikely enjoy some company
but i was there with you.. for you..
whenever you want, wherever you want..
all you have to do is ask.
you said your usual part
but the sincerity of your "sorry" is heartly unfelt
too much of it detours my thoughts into an oblivion of sorrow

currently hope abandoned me faster than i could say no
evidently i won't be seeing you
it seemed like my eyes are now prepared for that
i want to cry but just couldn't
and i slowly feel my heart break
i trembled hard deep inside
it's been my all
now every breath clutches my soul.. swayed

it's time
it's out of my hands now
it's my turn, "i'm sorry"
it's time...

but it sure feels like it,, yehey, it's my birthday!!! the package came. in the same black-looking box, another day full of surprises.. they just keep on coming don't they?

 

 oh well, 2 words..

 thank you

there never was. i am the reserved one. but in another defining just-in-case role. like a heap of dust easily shaken off, i am.. reserved? oh yeah. i just made that one up. to make me feel a bit better..

if one day my heart says it's giving up, i'm sure it had a pretty lumpy share of happiness this reoccuring scenario could give. and just as what you are now, i guess i still reach heights.

this isn't my shoes by the way..

but on this story you're this being who surely knows where to poke the right spot of unimaginable hurt. you're worst when it comes to loving me. you reach out but at my right moment sink into your own nothingness. bursts up my bubble everytime. i was never part of your life. simply a passerby is how i see myself walking blindly your busy part of the street..

and just as how much it's eating me way back, the losing feeling finally did sink in.. again

greatness is all but you, so tryin' and shadowing over a distance of which you can never bring with.. i get fooled every time.. i still think about those times on the sand.. barefooted and all.. i still dream about the water.. how in seconds away i could have lost you forever.. 'twas what made you be moved, right? slowly.. but on that track.

you never told me.
i never assumed.
but these days you are happy..
well, if you really are...
i couldn't ask more "for you".
i'll be selfish, thanks for beating me up to that point..
i could use some air far from that junior annoyance
for so long, now fading... vanishing..

rowing back to the endless sea..

while at it i used to get angry upon seeing the shining waves by the moonlight. it's too impossible for me like that.. with that eerie glow? it goes to show that maybe, just maybe, fighting even when dim-lighted, reaching out over and under, standing up to free spirited conquering folks, might be just enough to nullify an existence for a while..

p.s. thanks wailing albatross.. 'nuff said

it happened just hours ago.. the day? today, thursday, 20th of december.. just before lunch.. it came.. i was a bit excited.. imagine! a new whistle!!! i knew it's coming.. 'coz i was informed last night... yipee!! it did travel a long way.. and i've never even personally met the kind soul who's giving it to me.. so here's what happened..

i was supposed to open it on the eve of Christmas.. but eventually changed my mind since i intend to play a musical number on my friend's birthday on the 24th.. "i've got to use the new one" .. i thought,, upon opening the package, one could not miss seeing this simple black box.. and i wonder, "hmmm, i think it's too big for a requested single whistle to fit in.."  so my mind raced on.. "OK!! MORE whistles for me!!! yipeee!!!" heehhe then, i opened it with utmost curiosity.. hahhaha i was shocked to see a red ribbon wrapping itself around another box (red).. "Wow", nice work.. still my mind is filled with different whistles i could think of that could be in it.. so then i removed the ribbon, and opened it.. oh no!! hhahaha no way!!! hahahaha the first thing i really saw was this neatly packed whistle!!! i looked at it for some time never realizing that there were still contents left for me to find.. the pennywhistle just looked nice.. shiny and a bit heavy than my old ones.. it was hidden beneath white stuffs, which i didn't mind at first, and a lot of those air-filled plastic thingy.. then i saw this small dvd disc.. so in a rush i inserted it into my computer unit.. yey.. it's the sound forge software i've tried to download in vain before.. and then i head back to the whistle again.. but as some seconds gone by, something caught my eye.. a light image of my mariah projecting itself on one of those white stuffs early on??!! what??!! hahaha!! this is crazy!! no way!! there are two!! those white stuff actually covers cds!!! it's my mc!!! yipeeee!!! music box and her debut album!! oh no!!! i haven't got those!!!! aaaaaaaa.. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!

i'm overwhelmed... and so freakin' happy..

a wonderful day to remember..

so i phoned the giver, sayin' that the givee's so happy with it all.. read the note, there's actually one carefully folded inside the whistle container.. and definitely smiled the whole day.

not bad for someone i haven't even met ei??!!! thanks well. you know you're crazy, you know.. hahhaha

really, thanks. hope you'd be as surprised as i am with the horse coming your way.. i'll be sending it sunday maybe.. ok?

poop tracks greeted my day
as i went for work on my usual way
i slipped and almost cut my hand
in a roomy mess i'm sure barely none could stand
then my mind played on and on and on
i've been trying so hard lately
guessing lies pro-concludingly..
or right there and then, deeds reveal by themselves
an awful lot of loot of unkindness
arguably why i must go on alone
thumbing up hazy-days' traumas
wondering why i get so lazy carrying all, hurling more stones

I hesitated twice, lately near the church, burnedly i thought the second degree!!!
what was i thinking?
innately i should've done somtehing, chickened out? maybe...
or maybe everyone's unto it, got carried with the lot??
and yes, these incidents has a lot do with my longing for certain things
it balanced the silliness in me
Crumbles of leftovers?
if holding hands for a little while unbreaks my heart..
Then??
i'd be left alone again comforting myself...
and i always told my shoulder-to-shoulder friend how his life's gone so pathetic..
haha, look closer, and wander for some short hands
there is silence..
all's silent, and then, i'd bring myself to sleep,
sunken..

it was a thursday, i went in,
was glad to see that face,
shared new thoughts, encircled suggestions,
then another door appeared,
i took it, no other choice, can't fight nature you know,
there i sang some notes, tried what i thought i lost,
i felt so happy, way happier than my last encounter of the destroyer,
it's there, always will be i guess,
i think of it as a test,
i might lose parts of me at times,
but they'll return, if not, i'll wait,
i'll try to wait longer,
i'll try to wait,
i'll try... wish me luck, my friends.. ü

never thought of it as important as breathing in itself..

Moments after sharing the umbrella
i've shown no signs of giving in
to that misleading thought of fancy
unbreakbale as it seems
--- "i'm not looking"
To save me from pain
i'm not looking in anymore
to grieve not the sight of unhaving you
i'm not looking in anymore
n doubted days i felt untrue
i'm not looking in anymore
to hide the truth that pulls me through
i'm not looking in anymore
when things that surround  blackens the view
i'm not looking in anymore
to unmiss that blasted kiss
i'm not looking in anymore
cont...
---
Love was meant to last for a time less life's wrath
sheding tears of brokeness as you take your bath
stepping on to a tile, it's all worthwhile
never missing the past and bodies full of lust
i want to give in
but you make that door thin
if you're unease then why do i feel teased
you're not to be blamed for what's in the one
to come home and be happy in which i knew there's none
you try to believe that it made you whole
but at the end of the day
you were never at peace for once
cracking up your shoes sole (left)
---
created to part
we had a good start
gnarled wood soberly as she was misunderstood
a cup of vanilla in ice
i was as wise
then i began to realise
...i'm not lied
---
you are staring so lovely
i don't have to look to feel it
the feeling i'm letting myself, felt i'm feeling
i'd love to have a taste of your lips again
i should have given my all when i had the chance
it's like i'm in that state of trance
making music from deep inside
pouring out lost emotions
keeping more mysteries in gray
stepping once, at a time, it's done
but fear and doubt constantly supply
my ever so beautiful blue of mind
sketching and shading,
and in one so sure of a last look
you took everthing
i said "in all ways imaginable"
fleeing on to my dreams
of countless stars no one could reach
but only me...

i'll always love you
how can i tell her
how can i fall
beauty and madness
just the way you are
can you feel the love tonight
ocean deep
with a smile
loving you
if tomorrow never comes
somewhere down the road
my fair share
when you say nothing at all
take on me
guitar man (thanks vines)
simply jessie
make it with you
later (thanks nel)
cool change
my way (hahahaha)
another day in paradise
.. and my personal favorite "magdalena" ü
i write the songs
wherever you will go
---
up to now, i can, but can't lately, hate it, but will try,
evolving maybe, beats me, thanks whoop, at least,
gonna learn, more solid, nice to hear, goosebumps too!!
nailed it, flats makes me, to the next level, don't forget depths,
hehehe
you'll see

i am me because of you
whom things good and real are due
i came to say alone i'll go
but in a small distance it started to snow
it covered my way, i began to wander
and i started to say, "Why did i bother?"
---
i've been many times in love but not like this
where in all things you are there
it's just your kiss i miss
it's strange when i hear you speak
in afar, best your hand with mine, in heat
it never fails to ease me, every single chance
of thinking and us, digging up lost feelings
and emotions of elusive trance
---
i'll be gone for a while
to get to miss
this emotions unclear,
"free falling the abyss"
whatever i do
though it's disturbing to you
please try
it got me to fly
---
A feeling strong is always wrong
i can't find a way to let you stay
it's what i wish, haste not the kiss
days pass and it shows, my heart, whenever with you, grows
---
See the broken crystel vase
Portraying hang ups, shaping my ways
gaining uncharted weight while living in faith
encamped on plains i mocked
"my hands got shocked!"
---
the funny sensation in aiming high is often misunderstood
people of the most live and die,
without feeling it the way they should
Blaming up above, letting go of love
---
Would you mind, 'cause ido
how can i push it out of you?
is it for now?
or for most times in this life of mine
that's thorned to the depths
i just keep on asking why...
---
slumber deep into an indebtful coma
i'm minding myself along the street
face this place full of unique personas
should have known,
"i tried a lot to keep"
---
bed of proud eyes, it's a wonder you're sore
dripping due lard to a blissfull sight of the door
where it all started
and in sorrow will end
rules, no one bends
---
It's really quite obvious
i madly fell for you
but i can't decide whether or not to push it through
i have this feeling, when telling you'd walk away
since it started up to this very day
---
People say i'm blind
it's entwined with the thoughts i hide
it whispers through you
leaving me full of doubts
with what's head-on true
---
false hopes, hanging ropes
giggling around, turning to the sounds
hating the truth, carrying the root
prefering dark and cold for you to hold
shiny keys, humbled peace
---
i've been around you for quite a while
but never have i seen your beautiful smile
sometimes i wonder when you looked into my eyes
if there's something or you're just being nice
it worries me most how time pass by
wandering in darkness, is it worth the try?
it's good to know you and be drowned more now
to a feeling weird to be thinking
when lost, never asking how
it's hard to take these pretensions so bad
from you of all people, i feel really sad
things that darkened my vision's gotten clear
and time to be, you out of sight, it's near
i'm clinging on to pointed rocks
with fleets of papers sheets, ll aching my back
carrying blunted knives, wishing they'd get strucked
to be eased
and know life in a simple side
like that of a growing seed

It catered my way
A little grounded, a little elevated
I never wanted it to stay
envy be gone, regrets flee and run
smell the room, suck air of gloom
shipping heavy dampened papers, on steady
Of holy and unholy blots, it's in my flat
Just stay out of the cold seat
the wound healed up in heat
Then breaks often, reclaimed more open...
---
Twisted ways, the road leads on forever
Made by the blown-hot-headed few
desires ranging from ten to twelve
with a strong will i came to help
but myself, i can't
from the time i got washed the whirling well
Red pulp on my nose, stirring me up close
these are the things i never have seen
Blue hinders the blooming rose
of enhanced hinges, now they beg for some leeches
---
Who doesn't like the wind
so pushy and cruel
at will, changes direction
treats you as a tool
forward, it may ride with the birds
in circles, cries of faint are unheard
with the raging fire is as dangerous
but it stops the dragon's clock
breaks down which is uncalled for
remebering the past
... reminding me at last
---
"Of all the things i've learned and had..
finding you is all worth it and losing you would mean me mad"

that's a wrap!!ü
mind over butter..

i'm pretty sure i've got so much to write but i just don't know where to begin.. hmmm, My life's a mess, guess everybody's is.. Stacked in silence, jeeez..Ok..
I'm gonn"a" be writing things about me, at-the-moment poems, dreams (the ones i get while sleeping),  so you might as well get something to wipe your tears off for later..k? ü nah!! no drama here.. maybe for some..
It's been  long since my last poems...
---
It's the thing to remember always and always..
all the while you're here, acts are counted..
black streaked ray of hope in some days..
within the scrambled faith, destiny rerouted..
through early overleaped choices..
through shrieking unsolicited voices..
Persistent funded foes define..
the future at stake, head of wine..
Cruelty revisited.
Sulkiness, they have reunited..
"Ghastly" shaking, both took my heart aching..
Closed my eyes, held my breath..
A feeling divine, fate worse than death..
A task to finish on a mortal state..
And in a day if all's dated..
I'll fly back to the sun and never again wait....

Coz i've always waited
---
I never wanted to trade places..
But i'm looking like mad at you
an unlikely from all faces..
If a thing, I'm so attached to, races out of my view..
i'll try to hide unwantedness, feeling less true..
i'll cut the string, succomb to the rules..
Bend my left wing, in ages unused..
Envision the same dream, cunning and sacred..
I'm a hundred percent sure it's time to move on..
to the next level, full of hopeful calls..
unminding the past, covering up three tons..
what's up? I can't say..
The least of it is, i thought i'd stay..
got kicked, hugged uneven tiles..
these ones you have always..
are the ones you'll regretly loose..
Sun rises up each day..
So leave me now, set it up..
I'll sit it up out now, grinning to sane..

i dunno why, but i simply like them lines..  hahaha

--- you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. --- oh my. --- what are you crazy? they're birds?!! they don't know where she lives??!!! --- would you like some tea? --- we all go a little mad sometimes. --- there's evil in the world, and some of them are even human. --- no no no no no! --- everyone else --- hey brainiac, have you tried the door? --- baaaaaaah! --- oh, come on --- last door on the left --- silly me, silly me.. --- why won't you p"e"ck on someone your own size?!! --- but you are a monkey!!!

firmly holding up the time, i still can't write my heart out. i've lost it. and i'm not taking what's lost back. there's no way in my current situation. i would be facing more rumblings with much more unwanted sights. it's high time that i get off of this. i had enough of pretending things didn't happen. they did by the way. and for the record are still in everyone's eyes, so perfect, so meant, and so like hitting "wont" chest up. so, i let it be.

this is it then. a letter that i think would have changed some things. a lot maybe. waaay later than "that sunset".. meant "for you". and along with unwantedness, i better put those good memories at bay. it's to keep me from being unecessarily hurt.. to remind me not of what i've been missing so bad.

"yes, i've got some kept thoughts too. and i kept them well, waiting for the fit of time to spill 'em out. and right there and then i'd be continuing on, gathering hope for the best to come. first and foremost, i'd like you to know that you're a part of my life whether you like it or not. a special part. i admit and will not deny it, i did fell in love with you. i didn't even care much if you felt the same way too because that was a time when i was at the highest peak that happiness could ever bring me to. i'd probably never be at that place again. it was a very inspiring time for me. i started to draw, paint, even wrote notes and then unearthed a lot of stuff i never thought i have in me.. i wanted to be great in everything i do.. it felt wonderful too. i was lucky enough to care so much for a person, and it's you. you saved me there once. and it was so silly of me to believe that that saving would happen over and over again... but i believed anyway. i want you to stay. i want everything back in it's place again. i want it all.. even just for a day"

oh, right. it wasn't what you want...

after a month  a year ago of trouble expressing, i learned you got yourself involved. and those times you're so near... why did i even wonder where you are?? there's nothing to explain, really. who am i anyway. you're just a common crook. who made a choice. but out of what? sheer blinded self-made theories? i have no right to be angry. but right now i am. it wasn't my all, but close enough!! still i got shoved into nothingness. and yeah, into the best part.. into how you wouldn't want to define it.

for the time being, my plan's not to see you.. and i'll stick to that for as long as i could take it.. see you around then.. NOT!!!

it was confusing at first..but once i realise the overwhelming feeling..i didn't know what to do..what to tell you, what to expect..if it's not right to continue..or if i move away..would life for me be simpler and whiter..but as you can see..i firmly believe in that something between us..i can't describe it when you look at me at times..i wouldn't care less in having this somewhat burdening feeling..where i know i'd be suffering surely and be hurt..pain is stitched into this daydream..and all those times i am bleeding..i know someday i'll see the light..from a door that leads us..into a bond much greater than all sacrificed..

my erica's cup of love...none

hi you all. this ain't my first blog entry, hmmm, but for multiply maybe.. hehehe i've written much of my mind before..

http://rsmmagno.blogs.friendster.com/anew/ (definitely migrating here soon!)

and for some unknown reason, nobody seems to care stamping comments on them write ups.. or even spend just a bit of moment to read.. oh well, 'nuff said.

anyways, life is indeed cruel most times.. riding the bumpiest part of this trip could prove many uncertainties into a blur. you'd even find yourself wandering around in circles still wondering how to restore hope.. but somehow, from the strangest of places, it comes..

you just got to hang on...

hmmm, so much to write..

where to start? why? for whom? on what rules? if they'd get it? is it enough? did i just mopped the floor? ok.. why am i mopping again? is it ok then? what's that you say? reallly?

i dunno.. i guess everything's here.. my take.. so feel free to read 'em..